Write a bit...then move the hell on....

I realize I haven't blogged for some time now.
I've thought about it.
I've even journaled a bit on what my topics would be. I've been to a few interesting places that I could talk about. What I've realized is that...well... all the things that are currently going on in my life has put a huge block on me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and artistically. I haven't been going to church much. I haven't been doing much baking or cake decorating, which is sad...b/c I'm about to leave for school to concentrate on that. I haven't been writing like I usually do...in journal or blog form. I'm in a funk.
The thing is...I'm usually good about getting myself out of it. I like to think of myself as an optimistic person. But I realized this past week that I'm just plain, flat out sad. And until I allow myself to admit it, process it, and deal with it...I won't be able to enjoy the things I really like to do wholeheartedly or start fresh and new. And I need too....
I'm sad and a bit depressed at times. Yeah, your probably thinking..."who cares?" That's the thing...you don't have to. There are only a few of you that I WANT to care....everyone else...eh...it's whatever. But I need to write about it. I have to so I can go on to enjoy blogging about things that make me happy and write posts that people enjoy reading about. But anyway..... why am I writing now...? I don't know...

Here's what I do know:
Going through a divorce sucks.
Even if you both want it....even if it is a process that should have taken place a year or two ago, and you know with every bone in your body that it's the right thing to do.
There are still feelings of shame, failure, sadness, bitterness, anger, resentment, rejection.....etc. It doesn't matter who is to blame. But I think in this situation...it's more my fault than anything....so I've been told...and so I go on to believe....  But I'm not here to talk about who is at fault and point fingers. It is what it is....and it sucks.
I'm tired of pretending.
Most days I'm not ok. And there are only, maybe, 2 of you I share that with almost daily. I have stopped avoiding how I really feel and now I embrace the pain.
I hurt someone....karma is a bitch, and therefore have been hurt in return. 
Touche.    This is a subject I try not to think about. So, naturally, it's something I think about weekly....if not every other day. So many "what if's" and "what did I do wrong?"  But I'm not angry anymore...4-5 mos ago...sure...   Now I've realized that I can't keep investing emotional energy,  making myself miserable, by directing my anger at what I cannot change. I still love....loving is letting go.    ::SMH::  Sucks. Still.... I brought it upon myself. The lesson learned from this is: be careful what you wish for and think twice about what you want.....it will probably just wound your heart.
I'm only human.
I make mistakes. I'm mean and sadistic sometimes. (Tonight I was "enlightened" by the fact of how mean I really can be.) I'm allowed to feel the things I'm feeling. Even if most don't agree or understand.....
I am my own worst enemy.
Very true!

But you know what?.........


I'm getting tired of listening to myself whine.

I also know this:
The great thing about life is you can make it be anything you want it to be. 
I believe this with all my heart. If your not in a happy place or situation. CHANGE IT! Do what you want to do. Don't let anyone else tell you any different.
Who I am is ok.
Like I said earlier...I'm human. I contradict what I say...sometimes. I can be judge mental. I have faults. I've fucked up. I've made promises I couldn't keep. I've hurt people. I've failed at things.
But.... the bad doesn't define me. I do a whole lot of good. I love. I'm a great friend. I listen to others. I'm helpful. I'm a hard worker. I'm passionate. I believe in the good of others. I'm trying to be the best mother I can be and raise my kids the way I think is right. I follow my dreams. Even with the fear of failure or rejection...I go after what I want. I believe in myself.
I can go on and on....
But I won't.
Because I'm tired of complaining like a little bitch...and I'm sure your tired of hearing it! And because writing some of this down has helped me to process my thoughts......somewhat...
I feel a tad bit better.
Still sad...but I'm acknowledging that...so hopefully it diminishes soon.
Slowly and surely I'll get over this "block" and can post about better things....hopefully.
Thinking positive thoughts and remaining optimistic...
Because things cannot get worse....right?! It can only get better... from here on OUT! ;)